What You Didn't Know About Legolas After LoTR
by Ita istar
Summary: Do you ever wonder what it would be like if Legolas looked like the "before" photographs on Jenny Craig commercials? No need to wonder, I've got it all here.
1. Chapter 1

What You Didn't Know About Legolas After the LoTR  
  
Chapter 1  
  
1 Legolas  
  
So I was like sitting around having breakfast one day, and all of a sudden this guy comes in. And I was like, "Who are you?"  
  
He was like, "I'm Aragorn."  
  
That name sounded familiar, but I had like, no idea what this guy was doing in my palace.  
  
"Hi, Aragorn," I acted like I knew the guy, even though I wouldn't be caught dead with a guy in that outfit anyway.  
  
"Legolas…you look so…well fed…" Aragorn said. I had like no idea what he was implying, so I just smiled and sent my servant away. I sat up…it's been harder to do that lately.  
  
"It's really been…too long…you know…since the whole fellowship thing…" The solicitor said, and that's when I remembered where I knew him from. "So, what have you been up to?"  
  
This man was beginning to bother me. First, he comes in to disturb my breakfast and makes me dismiss my servant, and then he has the nerve to ask me questions.  
  
"Nothing," I said, determined to make him go away, "I was eating my breakfast, and I should still like to be eating my breakfast."  
  
Aragorn fidgeted nervously, my powerful figure must have invoked some sort of fear into him, serves him right, that selfish bitch.  
  
"Don't you think you've had enough f—breakfast?" he asked. More questions, enough questions!  
  
"I think I know when I've had enough breakfast, thank you very much, but I don't think you know how to take a hint," Aragorn was seriously starting to bother me, I didn't know like what he was talking about.  
  
Aragorn was like, "Ok, if you say so. Do you wanna go…you know…like pick up some chicks at Rivendell? Elrond is gone for the week."  
  
At first, the thought was like, totally appealing, but then, I thought to myself, "Wouldn't that require me to get out of my chair?" So I was like, "Nah, that's ok. Is there any way you could bring the chicks here?"  
  
Aragorn looked at me disgustedly, and was like, "Pshaw-yeah, right, man."  
  
I didn't understand…why did he look disgusted if he said yes? But anyway, I was getting hungry, so I said, "Don't you have like, some orcs to kill or something?"  
  
He was like, "No."  
  
And I was like, "Well, go kill something, I'm hungry."  
  
"You want me to hunt orcs for your breakfast?"  
  
"NO! Don't you get it? Jeebus! You go kill something out there…therefore you are not here, and I can finish my fucking breakfast!" hunger was making me grumpy.  
  
"Um, Legolas," he said, "when was the last time you left your palace?" Too many questions!  
  
"I dunno, like…75 years?" I wasn't sure anymore.  
  
"Don't you think it's time to get out, and get some fresh air?" Fuck his questions.  
  
"No."  
  
He sighed, I wanted to shave that cocky beard off his face. "Ok, well, I'll talk to you later, okay?"  
  
"Sure, whatever, now go kill some orcs" I wanted him to leave, he was stinking up my lair.  
  
With one last look of disgust, he left. I called my servant in again. I was hungry.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
2 Aragorn  
  
I had been eager to see Legolas, it had been a long time since our last meeting. I wondered what had been going on in Mirkwood, if he had had any nice adventures in battle…and with women, too. I had been on my way to the Misty Mountains, and while I was in Mirkwood, I decided to pay him a visit.  
  
What I saw was shocking. As a servant showed me into his bedroom, I nearly doubled over in laughter and surprise. But at that point, I was too concerned for laughter.  
  
There he was, the prince of Mirkwood, sitting in an overstuffed arm easy chair (though I couldn't tell which was overstuffed, him or the chair), eating his breakfast in a very unique manner. His servant was spoon feeding him his food, and to devour each spoonful, he closed his eyes, turned his face towards the servant, and opened him mouth arrogantly. The servant, hiding a look of terror, slowly placed each spoonful into his mouth.  
  
At first he didn't know who I was. I thought he would've remembered, after all, I am the king of Gondor.  
  
I reminded him.  
  
"Hi, Aragorn," he said, and I watched as he examined my clothing with despise.  
  
"Legolas…you look so…well fed…" I said, not knowing how else to say what I saw. He sat up…with difficulty. Then, he dismissed his servant rudely with a wave of a very…very large arm.  
  
"It's really been…too long…you know…since the whole fellowship thing…so, what have you been up to?" I tried to change the subject, hoping that maybe I could forget what I was seeing.  
  
"Nothing, I was eating my breakfast, and I should still like to be eating my breakfast," he said, and I couldn't help thinking as he said this that along with those extra pounds…he had also gained an ego. He smiled smugly.  
  
"Don't you think you've had enough f—breakfast?" I asked. His smug smile was slapped clean off his face and he looked at me indignantly, threatening to let his newly found hot temper get the better of him.  
  
"I think I know when I've had enough breakfast, thank you very much, but I don't think you know how to take a hint," he snapped, and I couldn't help but wish to give him a good kick in the face.  
  
As a last resort, I turned to the one thing I didn't think he could resist. "Ok, if you say so. Do you wanna go…you know…like pick up some chicks at Rivendell? Elrond is gone for the week." I was wrong.  
  
Legolas started, and he looked interested, but said, "Nah, that's ok. Is there any way you could bring the chicks here?"  
  
"Pshaw-yeah, right," I was deeply offended. Me! King of Gondor! Be his servant?!  
  
"Don't you have like, some orcs to kill or something?" Legolas asked.  
  
"No," I could tell my welcome was wearing thin.  
  
"Well, go kill something, I'm hungry," again I was indignant, I wasn't going to go kill anything for him to eat, even an orc!  
  
"You want me to hunt orcs for your breakfast?"  
  
"NO! Don't you get it? Jeebus! You go kill something out there…therefore you are not here, and I can finish my fucking breakfast!" he shouted, and concern began to take the place of my disgust.  
  
"Um, Legolas," I began, "when was the last time you left your palace?"  
  
"I dunno, like…75 years?"  
  
75 years?! That might only be an hour's worth to an immortal elf, but to a human…seventy five years was a good percent of my life (even if I was blessed with an unnaturally long life span). "Don't you think it's time to get out, and get some fresh air?"  
  
"No."  
  
I sighed heavily, there seemed to be nothing I could do. Oh well, I would have to talk to him some other time, perhaps convince him that there was something else to life besides food. "Ok, well, I'll talk to you later, okay?"  
  
"Sure, whatever, now go kill some orcs."  
  
My concern turned back into disgust as I left, besides, the place had begun to smell. 


	2. Chapter 2

1 What You Didn't Know About Legolas After the LoTR  
  
1.1 Chapter 2  
  
2  
  
3 Legolas  
  
I thought that I had seen the last of Aragorn, but noooooooo. He came back this morning, and he actually had the nerve to like, totally drag me to Rivendell. He just flung me over his horse and rode there. What nerve!  
  
"Where are we going, you two-faced faggot?"  
  
"Rivendell, Legolas, Rivendell. Do you not remember the familiar path? Besides, we've been passing signs every five minutes!"  
  
At the moment, we passed a sign reading, "5 miles to Rivendell."  
  
I decided not to say anything, give Aragorn the silent treatment. We rode for like another ten minutes or something like that, and then we passed this enormous billboard that said, "Welcome to Rivendell, home to Middle- Earth's largest yogurt cup."  
  
"Mmm…yogurt…"  
  
"That's not why we're here, Legolas. The rest of the fellowship and I have decided that you need to shape up. Do you want Mirkwood's welcome sign to say 'Welcome to Mirkwood, home to Middle-Earth's largest elf?' " Aragorn said. If I had the energy, I would've raised my fist and run it into his dirty face. And ech…that beard…but I was lying on his horse with my feet dangling off one end and my arms flailing around on the other end, so I like, was in no position to hit him.  
  
We rode up to the House of Elrond. We dismounted, and after tying up his horse, he led me to the dining hall.  
  
"I'll have a little bit of everything…" I said to the elf waitress, "hell, I'll have a lot of everything!"  
  
Aragorn stopped me. "He means…that he shall have a cup of tea and a small plate of lembas."  
  
I turned to face Aragorn and said, "I'll eat what I want."  
  
"How much bigger do you wish to become, Legolas? Here, look…" Aragorn removed from a shelf nearby a fat photo album. It was all torn up, and it smelled like mold, but when I pointed that out, he ignored me. Son of a bitch.  
  
He opened it, blew all the dust out, and flipped through the crinkled pages.  
  
"Look," he pointed at a picture, "that was you."  
  
I cocked my head. "That's me?"  
  
"Correction, was you. This," he put a figure towards me, "is you."  
  
"Okay…so what if I was beautiful? Really, really, really, beautiful. I like the way I am now just fine," I crossed myself.  
  
"Trust me, okay? Dieting for a few days, minor workouts, you'll be back to your old pretty self within days. Elves are naturally slender, it will not be difficult," said Aragorn.  
  
"Yeah, well. Whatever." After a moment's pause, "You can't make me!"  
  
Aragorn smiled a fucked up smile. I was afraid to ask.  
  
  
  
Aragorn  
  
After some very deep discussion with the rest of the fellowship, we agreed to bring Legolas to Rivendell to... ahem… lose some weight.  
  
So I traveled to Mirkwood and pulled him out the doors of his palace. Mind you, it wasn't easy. It nearly broke my back. I had to roll him up onto the back of my horse which nearly gave out in the knees. Poor creature.  
  
After a while, Legolas asked me, "Where are we going, you two-faced faggot?"  
  
I sighed as we passed a sign that said, "6 miles to Rivendell."  
  
"Rivendell, Legolas, Rivendell," I muttered. "Do you not remember the familiar path? Besides, we've been passing signs every five minutes!"  
  
To prove my point, we passed another sign, "5 miles to Rivendell."  
  
Thank Isildur he shut up. We continued on the path for about a quarter of an hour before we reached the gates of Rivendell, which sported a colorful sign reading, "Welcome to Rivendell, home to Middle-Earth's largest yogurt cup." I had not remembered seeing that before.  
  
"Mmm…yogurt…" Legolas murmured, but I heard.  
  
"That's not why we're here, Legolas. The rest of the fellowship and I have decided that you need to shape up. Do you want Mirkwood's welcome sign to say 'Welcome to Mirkwood, home to Middle-Earth's largest elf?' " I retorted, and I saw him make some struggling movements as if he wanted to knock me off the horse.  
  
We rode up to the House of Elrond. We dismounted the horse… well, I dismounted. I sort of had to give him a little shove off the side of the poor beast. I directed him to the dining hall, and immediately he began ordering food.  
  
"I'll have a little bit of everything…" he demanded, "hell, I'll have a lot of everything!"  
  
I had to step in, "He means…that he shall have a cup of tea and a small plate of lembas."  
  
"I'll eat what I want," he argued.  
  
I sighed, how could I make him see the light? "How much bigger do you wish to become, Legolas? Here, look…" I took a photo album out and showed him some pictures of himself, hoping that he would see how gorgeous he was *ahem* I mean, how attractive he was…I mean…well, he was something!  
  
"Look," I showed him a picture of him as he was running from the balrog in Moria, "that was you."  
  
Cocking his head, he asked, "That's me?"  
  
"Correction, was you. This," I pointed to him, "is you."  
  
"Okay…so what if I was beautiful? Really, really, really, beautiful. I like the way I am now just fine," He crossed his arms, and I shook my head in frustration.  
  
"Trust me, okay? Dieting for a few days, minor workouts, you'll be back to your old pretty self within days. Elves are naturally slender, it will not be difficult," I tried to encourage him.  
  
"Yeah, well. Whatever." He was silent for a few seconds, as if thinking of something to say. He suddenly shouted out, "You can't make me!" and gave me a look of defiance.  
  
I smiled fishily, I had a plan. 


End file.
